By Ian Golding
4/9/02

Today, I'm just going to give you a few random thoughts. These are just slabs of randomness that pass through my head. It's not easy being me.

I didn't see Clockstoppers, but something about the film's physics model really bothered me. Apparently, from what I gather from the trailers, this kid has a watch that stops time. If he's wearing it, he continues normally, but everything else slows down. But there are some scenes where other people, who aren't wearing the watch, are also in "real time" while everything around them stops. And then there's the scene where they're all being chased by the cops, and they hit the button, and the car continues normally, but the pursuing cop slows down around with everything else. This really gets under my skin. I'm guessing that whatever is "touching" the watch also is affected by the power and drops into "hypertime," or whatever their silly buzzword is. Here's my problem: Isn't the car touching the ground, and isn't the cop car, as well as everything else around touching the ground. So they're all touching the watch, so the only things that would be slowed down would be birds and airplanes. Unless you count the air that touches everything, then the thing doesn't work at all. Which means that maybe someone actually invented a device like this, and it "worked," but nothing stopped because everything was touching everything else via molecules in the air. The inventor probably threw the thing away in the trash and dedicated his life to his other love, the sea. He's out there right now, fighting squalls, getting seasick and cursing the day he gave up science. This kind of thinking gives me a headache; therefore I did not see the film. I would, however, see a movie about a scientist who gave up his pursuit of science and went to the sea. Are you listening, Nickelodeon Pictures?

There should be some kind of warning when a film has a little "stinger" scene after the credits have all rolled. Maybe not actual words on the screen, but something to let the audience know that they might want to stick around. I'd suggest three white dots in the lower left of the screen during the final fade out. It would be clear and concise, and would lift the heavy burden of wondering from the audience's shoulders. As it is, there's always a second where I wonder if I should stick around. I do a quick calculation of the movie, think about any loose ends that weren't tied up, and figure out if it's worth it to stay an extra five minutes. I remember when I first saw Masters of the Universe when I was young. I was waiting to be picked up by my parents, (I would often times see movies alone as a youngster okay, I was fourteen. Whatever, I didn't have a car) and I walked back into the theater because it was going to be like twenty minutes before they were going to be there. I sat through the last few minutes of the credits, then the screen faded out then back in, and I was treated to Skeletor's hand reaching up through some water, and he screamed, "I'll be back!" A few things about this: First, this was one of the first times I'd seen a scene after the credits, and I was transfixed. For the next dozen movies I saw, I wouldn't leave until the ratings screen came up after the credits, worried that I might miss something. My parents thought I was actually interested in the people who worked on the films, and wondered aloud if I should think about a career in movies. (Yes, my whole career path was spawned from Skeletor. Take that, Jules Asner!) Secondly: Anyone familiar with the film knows that Skeletor's promise was nothing but talk. He wasn't back, because MOTU was what we like to call a flop. It did terribly at the box office, and no sequel was made. What I didn't know, and am guessing that you didn't either, is that a script was written for the sequel, but when it became clear that no sequel would be made, it was re-written as the Jean-Claude Van Damme film Cyborg. (This info courtesy of IMDB) That is possibly the weirdest connection I've ever to a Van Damme flick, and it explains so much about Cyborg. That little factoid actually made me want to see Cyborg again, in case someone accidentally calls Fender "Skeletor," or there's a scene that comes after the credits.

I guess that's all I've got today. Friday, I'll hopefully have a report from the line up for Star Wars Episode II ­ Attack of the Clones in front of Grumman's Chinese theater in Hollywood.

Talk about this in the Forums. Go on, I dare you.

  Past Columns:

Why Can't We Be Friends?
4/5/02

More Video Game Movies, Please!
4/4/02

In Dean We Trust
4/2/02

Blue Chips and Hoosiers
3/29/02

It's Time to Turn in My Geek Card
3/28/02

Academy Awards Diary
3/26/02

A Sure-Fire Way to Pick Best Actor
3/22/02

Future Oscar Death March Clips
3/21/02

Handicapping the 74th Academy Awards
3/18/02