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After the runaway successes of such recent
films as Street Fighter, Double Dragon, Super Mario Brothers,
and Resident Evil, I think it should be clear that
we, the American movie-going audience, love movies that are based
on video games. I think the key is that they always have rich,
layered stories that really speak to the human condition. With
that being said, I'd like to pitch a few ideas for you all: Tetris: The Movie Directed by: McG Story: Prinze, Jr. stars as Lance Tetris, a misunderstood jock who is drawn to Rhonda, (Gellar) the nerdy, ugly girl in school. Tetris takes a chance and asks her out, but his best friend Randy tries to talk some sense into him. Tetris explains that love is what's on the inside. The new couple goes to the senior prom and proves their love by stacking hundreds of blocks. Product Tie-in: Soundtrack featuring
"Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-da-da-dum (In your face remix)"
by Limp Bizcuit. Arkanoid: Season of Discontent Directed by: Paul "not Thomas"
Anderson Story: A title-card fades up as we see images of space carnage The era and time of this story is unknown. After the mothership "Arkanoid," was destroyed, a spacecraft "Vaus" scrambled away from it. But only to be trapped in space warped by someone... Diesel plays the Vaus pilot, a man not only fighting for the revenge of his ship, but for his family. Vaus soon finds himself at the center of a political game that will change the course of history. Can he survive? Yes. Product Tie-in: Taco-Bell comes out with the "Arkanoid Chalupa." It's exactly like a normal Chalupa, but it's got 33 percent more boiled beef.
Burgertime: Fries on! Directed by: The Farrelly Brothers Story: Osmet stars as a teenager who takes a job at a local fast food joint to pay for his first year of college. While working the grill, he accidentally mixes up the box marked "burger patties" with one marked "chicken shit." He cooks up a batch of foul fowl(!) and serves it up to costumers, who soon start acting crazy. Some think they are eggs, some think they are... other eggs. The only thing that returns their sanity is a blast of pepper from out hero's pepper blaster. Product Tie-in: McDonalds announces a new "Chicken Shit!" burger. There is no noticable difference in taste.
Dig-Dug Directed by: John Madden Story: Dench is Dug, a woman who disguises
herself as a man to work as a "Digger," in 18th Century
England. With her trusty bicycle pump by her side, Dug inflates
and destroys a variety of pests in London's underground sewer
system. A co-worker soon discovers her facade, and the two start
a scandalous affair.
Pac-Man Directed by: David Fincher Story: Cruise is Pac, a man who simply
can't stop eating "dots," a new snack product. When
a mysterious woman (Cruz) gives him some information, Pac must
make his way through the maze that is the company's headquarters,
encountering CIA ghosts, exploding cherries, bananas, and watermelons.
There you have it. I think any of these ideas would get the asses in seats, sell tons of merchandise, and break yet another seal in the apocalypse of the film world. See you tomorrow. Talk about this in the Forums. Go on, I dare you. |
Past Columns: It's Time to Turn in My Geek Card Academy Awards Diary A Sure-Fire Way to Pick Best Actor Future Oscar Death March Clips |