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I'm thinking about hiring an intern to go down to the actual line one of these days. It's become one of those things, hasn't it? Like world peace, or the release of D-Tox. It's been promised a million times, but you still wait. Well, I'm not going to mention it again until it actually happens, (or doesn't) so that's that. I was just watching The Quick and The Dead on DVD, and I started thinking a lot about the Hackman character. He plays the sheriff of the small town, and doesn't meet a good end. I started thinking back to all the sheriffs in all the westerns I had seen, and the mistakes they made. If I had to be a small town sheriff in the old west, I'd like to think I'd do things differently. I've seen enough westerns to know what usually becomes of the sheriff, and I'd like to think I'd use my wits and make it past the third act in one piece. Here are some simple rules I'd follow. Alliances: I would not side with the town's richest man. He would inevitably be evil, and when the good guys go to his ranch for the final showdown, I'd be there, brought in by the rich guy as added protection. The rich guy would most likely kill me because he was upset at my various failures. I ain't going out like that, no way. I would instead become allies with every single rag-tag bunch of wanderers who came through town, especially if they looked cleaner than everyone else. Family: I would always wear protection during sex, and might even get a vasectomy. That way, there's no chance that my offspring would blow through my town, cause some trouble, and kill me because I found out about my parentage and had trouble killing him in a shootout. It would also be difficult for someone to kidnap him when he's a baby and turn him against me. If I had to have children, I would raise him to be a terrible gunfighter, with no dexterity at all. Justice: All defendants would be innocent until proven guilty, in accordance with the United States constitution. I would not allow any lynch mobs to show up and kill my prisoners, because that would make me an accomplice in any family member's eyes, and they would show up in town, killing every member of the lynch mob. They would, of course, start with me, because I didn't do my job. I would also hold any hangings (after a full trial by a jury of the defendant's peers) in private, and keep their time and location secret. There would be a pool of a half dozen anonymous executioners, and they would not be informed that they would be doing the deed until moments before it. That way, no one could pose as an executioner and break the prisoner out, killing me in the process. Additionally, the gallows used for hangings would be completely enclosed, with no possibility of someone breaking the rope with a well-placed bullet or arrow. Treatment: All townspeople would be treated with respect, and I would not play favorites. Any and all illegal activity would be prosecuted, and I would accept not bribes. If there had to be a brothel, I would steer clear of it, so that a hero couldn't hide in a closet and shoot me, nor would a hooker be able to kill me in the throes of passion with a hidden knife. Attitude: My prowess with a firearm would be my business. I would never brag that I was the fastest draw in the west, nor would I stage some sort of invitational quick draw tournament to fluff my ego. I would view my job as simply that; I would not attempt to turn my standing as a peace officer as a launching pad for higher office. I would simply do my job to the best of my abilities; to serve and to protect. Other:
If I could not stick to my rules, I would make sure to at least
stick to some loose guidelines: I think I've got all the bases covered
here. If I stuck to these rules, I might have a chance to living
my life out in peace, not buried in a pine box with a bullet
hole in my forehead and some kind of hand-painted sign around
my neck. |
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