By Ian Golding
4/16/02

I guess it's obvious by now that I love coining terms. Even more than that, I love re-imagining terms from the past, bastardizing them into a sort of Frankenstein's Monster, ready to run amok on the English countryside and be scared of fire. That being said, one of my favorite pieces of pop-culture jargon is "The Rat Pack." For those of you from the planet Zoorinoox 14, first of all, don't kill me. I am willing to accept you as our new overlords and have information on the various weaknesses of the human race. You need me. Also, "The Rack Pat" was a nickname for a group of friends consisting of Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr., Dean Martin, Peter Lawford, and Joey Bishop. They stared in movies together, did variety shows, and generally raised hell in and around Las Vegas. They were cool, they were loved, and they were alcoholics. Beyond anything else, "The Rat Pack" is defined for their love of the firewater. They were like some kind of Bizarro Opposite AA meeting.

In the 1980's, we had the so-called "Brat Pack." Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Molly Ringwald, The Estevez/Sheen, and pretty much anyone who starred in The Breakfast Club or St. Elmo's Fire. I'm pretty sure they hung out in back rooms in sleazy nightclubs, wearing pastel colored clothes and snorting fistfuls of white powder. Quick S.A.T. question: Booze was to The Rat Back as ________ is to the Brat Pack. The answer, of course, is cocaine. Unlike their predecessors, "The Brat Pack" was far from cool, and had a sort of whiny, "why not me" sense about them. Their impact was minimal, pretty much something thought up by some equally coked-up PR guys.

In the late 1990's, an attempt was made to rejuvenate the "Pack" idea, this time called "The Frat Pack." This time, it was Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and their ilk. Satisfying every law of diminishing returns, they were a shadow of a shadow of something that was cool almost forty years earlier. Their ranks were never defined, and their drug of choice appeared to be some sort of skin cleanser and/or hair gel. Most likely, the same guys who came up with "The Brat Pack" idea fifteen years earlier, and were down on their luck thought up this term. They took one last, lame-assed attempt to get back into culture's good graces. I probably don't need to tell you that they failed miserably.

Now, I think it's time for a new pack. We are in a golden age of film here, (just look at The Sweetest Thing and Changing Lanes!) and we need to celebrate our groups of actors who do films inside their comfort zone. So here are a few ideas, courtesy of my malfunctioning brain:

"The @ Pack"
Okay, there's no arguing that computers, email, and the Internet are not going away. At the same time, there are a group of actors who keep showing up in movies about computers.
Membership: Ryan Phillipe, Rachael Leigh Cook, Matthew Lillard, Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Hangout City: Redmond, Washington.
Drug of Choice: None. They can be spotted carrying PDA's, Laptops, and super high-tech cell phone headsets.
Defining Films: The Matrix, Hackers, AntiTrust .

"The Passat Pack"
No question that the trail blazed by Burt Reynolds is alive and well in films about well, cars. Car chases are now considered the "character" parts between the "action" scenes of people jumping out of airplanes.
Membership: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Leelee Sobieski, Jay Leno (honorary).
Hangout City: Detroit, Michigan.
Drug of Choice: Speed. Get it?!
Defining Films: The Fast and the Furious, Joyride, xXx.

"The Shat Pack"
Here were find that special grouping of actors and actresses who always seem to wind up in teen "gross-out" films.
Membership: Tara Reid, Jason Biggs, Tom Green, The Cast of MTV's Jackass.
Hangout City: Jersey City, New Jersey.
Drug of Choice: Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas.. it makes anything funny).
Defining Films: American Pie, Scary Movie, Road Trip.

"The DAT Pack"
Sometimes having a lucrative singing career is simply not enough. Sometimes you have to prove that you are the most gifted creation on God's green earth. Next stop: the silver screen!
Membership: Britney Spears, Joey Fatone, Lance Bass, Jennifer Lopez (in reverse).
Hangout City: Hollywood Hills, CA.
Drug of Choice: Plastic Surgery.
Defining Films: Crossroads, On The Line, The Wedding Planner.

"The Hazmat Pack"
Reserved for that elite group of actors who are hazardous materials to filmgoers. Box office poison, if you will.
Membership: Carrot Top, Edward Furlong, Treat Williams, Tom Berringer, Ted Danson, Shelly Long, Corbin Bersen, Sylvester Stallone, Dana Carvey, Whoopie Goldberg, the list goes on and on.
Hangout City: The Land of Failure, USA.
Drug of choice: Anything that helps you forget it all for a little bit.
Defining Films: Chairman of The Board, Master of Disguise, Josie and The Pussycats.

Friday: Okay, I'm going to try really hard to get out to the Star Wars lineup outside the Chinese theater this week, so I'll have a report in the next column.



Talk about this in the Forums. Go on, I dare you.

  Past Columns:


It Tested Through the Roof!
4/12/02

Random Thoughts
4/9/02

Why Can't We Be Friends?
4/5/02

More Video Game Movies, Please!
4/4/02

In Dean We Trust
4/2/02

Blue Chips and Hoosiers
3/29/02

It's Time to Turn in My Geek Card
3/28/02

Academy Awards Diary
3/26/02

A Sure-Fire Way to Pick Best Actor
3/22/02

Future Oscar Death March Clips
3/21/02

Handicapping the 74th Academy Awards
3/18/02