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Okay, I know I promised something from the line for Star Wars Episode 2 outside the Chinese theater, but we at CinemaSpeak decided to make it a quasi-group effort, and will go next week. For this week, I want to jump off from Ryan's review of High Crimes. In it he talks about the "test audience" ending, and that got me on a rant about how the lowest common denominator in an eight-person theater in Spokane, Washington decides how our films should be. It's possibly the worst way to create art, but since film these days is more about fast food tie-ins that engaging stories, I guess that's the way it will be. But what would it be like if some of our most beloved classics has been directed by a bunch of people whose only qualification was that they were in a city so far away from the cultural radar that they wouldn't know an Oreo from a Hydrox? Let's take Casablanca, one of the best American films ever. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, rent it. Seriously, I'm not going to recap the whole thing for you. Go ahead, I'll still be here when you get back So let's talk about the ending. Rick puts Ilsa on the plane with Laszo, then shoots Stasser, right in front of Captain Renault, who decides not to turn Rick in. Rick and Renault walk off together, and Rick utters one of the most famous lines in movie history:
RICK
That's no moon... that's a space station!
Okay, no he doesn't. But he does say:
RICK
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a
beautiful friendship.
The two walk off together into the night.
It's all wrapped up pretty well, but I doubt it would play in the heartland. Let's look at some of the audience comment cards, shall we? "WHY CAN'T THEY BE TOGETHER IN THE END?!?!" "It should have been set in high school." "They should be together at the end. Rick should tell her his true feelings, and they should live happily ever after." "HOWARD STERN RULES!" So we have a clear mandate, don't we?
Give the people what they want, that's what I always say. So
let's give the people what they ask for. First off, Bogart is
not the kind of guy audiences want to see as their hero. He's
a little too ethnic looking, and somewhat short. How's about
Ben Affleck? Better, right? And Ingrid Berman was getting a little
long in the tooth. I say Cameron Diaz. Much, much better I think.
Now, for that ending...
RICK
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a
beautiful friendship.
The two walk off together into the night. Rick stops
abruptly.
RENAULT
Rick, what is it?
RICK
I can't. I just...
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE
Ilsa sits at a window seat. She stares out the window, her
eyes lost.
Laszo sneezes.
ILSA
Bless you.
LASZO
Damn allergies.
Ilsa looks back out the window. Slowly, in a subtle fashion, a few
acoustic guitar chords strum on the soundtrack. dum-de-de-
dum-de-de-dum-dum. Ilsa looks up, did she hear it?
The acoustic becomes quite electric as Journey's "Wheel in the
Sky" fills the soundtrack.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPLANE
Rick runs along the runway, trying desperately to catch up
to the plane.
"Oh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turn-nin' I don't know
where I'll be tomorrow!"
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE
Ilsa looks over to Laszo. Laszo smiles. A small trickle of
blood drips down his nose. He reaches up for it.
LASZO
Dammit, I always get nosebleeds on
airplanes.
Ilsa rolls her eyes and hands him a Kleenex. She looks out
the window and--
sees Rick! Her eyes light up. She pounds on the glass.
ILSA
Rick!
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPLANE
Rick is running his ass off. The plane is pulling away.
"Oh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turn-nin'"
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE
Ilsa looks up towards the cockpit.
ILSA
Stop! You've got to stop!
CUT TO:
INT. COCKPIT
One of the PILOTS looks back.
PILOT #1
What the hell is that?
PILOT #2
No idea.
Pilot #1 reaches for the throttle, pulls the lever back. The
engines grow quieter. The plane begins to slow.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE
Ilsa sees that they are slowing. She smiles.
ILSA
Rick!
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANE
Rick starts to gain on the plane.
CUT TO:
INT. COCKPIT
Pilot #1 peers out the window.
PILOT #1
There's a man out there!
Suddenly, a gun presses itself to Pilot #1's temple. Pull
back to reveal Laszo holding the gun.
LASZO
Full throttle, captain.
The Pilot eases the throttle forward. The engines roar.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPLANE
The plane starts to pull away from Rick.
RICK
Ilsa!
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE
Ilsa puts her hand against the glass.
ILSA
Rick! No!
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPLANE
Rick still runs, despite how futile it appears.
CUT TO:
INT. COCKPIT
Laszo holds the gun to the Pilot's temple. Pilot #2's eyes
widen.
PILOT #2
Look out!
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPLANE
From nowhere, a luggage tram lunges out onto the runway.
Zoom in to reveal the driver, Sam, the piano player from the
bar.
SAM
Play it again, beotches!
CUT TO:
INT. COCKPIT
The pilot jerks the controls. The plane shudders. Laszo is
knocked from his feet.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPLANE
The plan swerves to avoid the tram. It skids off of the
runway and comes to a halt.
Rick runs up towards it.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE
The door opens, and Rick steps in. He scans the plane. He
sees Ilsa, shaken from the wreck. He starts walking the
aisle, speaking as he does. He bumps into a passenger's
seat.
RICK
Pardon me. Ilsa, I can't let you go. I
know what I said about the hill of beans,
but I finally realized that I can't live
without you.
Ilsa stands, starts walking towards Rick.
RICK (cont'd)
What I didn't know all those years ago,
what I've only learned now-
ILSA
(cutting him off)
Stop. You had me at 'pardon me.' You
had me at 'pardon me.'
They embrace. The other passengers erupt in applause.
LASZO (O.S.)
How... touching.
The moment is interrupted. Rick turns. Laszo holds a gun.
LASZO (cont'd)
Look who's returned to ruin our plans...
again. You see rick, Strasser was my
brother. And I would have gotten away
with it, too, if you had only stayed a
hermit. Now, you've killed yourself and
the woman you love.
Laszo starts laughing maniacally. Without warning, the
entire plane starts shaking.
A passenger stands up.
PASSENGER
It's the old mine! They strip-mined it,
and now it's giving way! Let's get out
of here!
Panic. Everyone runs. Laszo looks around. That's all it
takes for Rick to make his move. Rick runs at him, then
jumps up into the air and does a double-windmill kick (slow-
motion) and knocks Laszo back thirty feet. Rick grabs Ilsa's
hand.
RICK
Let's go!
They run towards the door.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPLANE
Rick and Ilsa make it out behind the other passengers. They
make their way to the tarmac, then look back.
They watch as the ground opens up around the plane. The
plane shudders, then falls into the hole. Then explodes.
Rick turns to Ilsa.
RICK
What once was his, now is mine.
Rick and Ilsa kiss. Sam runs over.
SAM
Hey folks, I forgot to tell you. I just
bought a fat kids camp, and we're all
going to be counselors!
ILSA
Here we go again!
FADE OUT.
Perfect, huh? Exactly the kind of ending that puts asses in seats. Have a nice weekend. |
Past Columns: Why Can't We Be Friends? It's Time to Turn in My Geek Card Academy Awards Diary A Sure-Fire Way to Pick Best Actor Future Oscar Death March Clips |