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3:10pm I've still got like two hours, gotta kill time before I leave for the party. I sit down for a little red carpet coverage. 3:11pm God, this is boring. I'm gonna see what else in on. 3:12pm TNT, in a brilliant counter-programming move, is showing Mortal Kombat: Annihilation right now. This movie is so bad that it rules. 3:18pm Flipping back and forth between MK:A and E!'s live coverage. No Jules, though, so I'm pretty much just flipping at commercials. 3:21pm I once saw the girl who played Sindel in this movie at the Grand Lux Café. She was pretty hot. I only bring this up because I like stories involving me and hot women, no matter how innocent. 3:28pm Right now, Liu Kang is fighting Shao Khan in the final showdown. Jax and Sonya are standing at the side, doing nothing. I know that some would argue that "this is Liu's fight," but the fate of the world is on the line here. When is it acceptable to step in when it's clearly a personal fight? I'd say now. If Liu loses, Shao Khan takes over our world. Step in, people! Okay, it doesn't matter. Liu wins, and this movie ends. Back to the Red Carpet. 3:45pm I'm flipping between WB's coverage, ABC's, and E!'s. I'm trying to figure out who's where in the line, since I keep seeing the same stars. 3:50pm- I've got the order. Roger Ebert and ABC are first, Joan "Hellspawn" Rivers is second on E!, and Sam Ruben is last, right near the entrance. Now that I've figured out this brain buster, I've got to get ready for the party. 4:38pm As I'm driving over, U2's "Beautiful Day" comes on the radio. There are just some songs that make you feel like you could resurrect the Ottoman Empire if you put your mind to it. I'm taking this as a sign. 4:50pm I arrive at Matt & Elise's house, where they've put out a great spread of food. I drop my cookies on the table and grab an Oscar ballot for the pool. I want it this year. I need it. I'm careful, and I stick to my new strategy. In the past, I've made my picks willy-nilly, with no regard for anything. As an experiment, I would often just check things off at random. This year, I've got a new plan: I'm taking advice. If someone has a tip, I take it. If there's a rule to follow, I follow it. I got a great tip this year, too. Someone told me that someone with experience in the field said that Monsters, Inc .had terrible sound editing. Since the only other choice was Pearl Harbor, I went with it. I spend the next half hour making my picks. 5:30pm The rest of the crew arrives and starts filling out ballots. I'll take this opportunity to handicap my competition in the Oscar poll. Matt: Defending champion, always in the hunt. He's got the eyes of a champion. A few years ago, he told me "Don't bet against Pixar in short film animated." I've never looked back. Elise: Matt's wife. The Gold standard when it comes to all kinds of pools, board games, anything. A competitor through and through, she's the Michael Jordan of these things. She's so good, this is the fourth pool she's entered this year, (including CinemaSpeak's contest, which she WON!) and she's got a chance to win all of them. Amy: Karl Malone to Elise's Jordan. One believes that if Elise weren't around, Amy would have a dozen wins. Dave: Amy's husband. Dave is usually out of it by the third category. He simply does not care, which is fine. Kerry: There's a sense of unrealized potential here. If she buckled down, she could shoot to the top of the heap. Brooks: I have no scouting on Brooks. Me: I'm usually out of it ten minutes after Dave. I've picked against Titanic for Best Picture in the past. The sense is that my best Oscar-picking years are behind me. (Am I selling this too much? Should I just hang a sign around my neck that reads "underdog?") Also at the party: Mike, his girlfriend Pinkman, and Kerry's boyfriend Todd. They did not join the pool, but were in attendance. The Stakes: We all put in a dollar. I only had a twenty, so Brooks tossed in a dollar for me. I started thinking about hitting 7-11 to get change. 5:42pm
Whoopie Goldberg comes down on a trapeze, dressed like
some kind of stork from Moulin Rogue! 6:30pm A very strange development. I've just run the table through the first five categories: Supporting Actress, Film Editing, Costume Design, Make-up, and Cinematography. I've come from nowhere to take an early lead. With the documentaries coming up, I'm starting to hear a strange chant in my head: "Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!" I'm five-foot nothin', a hundred and nothin', and I'm on the field! 6:39pm The docu-clip segments. None of us could resist yelling "Say Chow-Dah!" at the screen every time RFK came on the screen. Also, "Let it Be" is a very catchy song. 6:49pm I just got stomped, missing both documentary categories. Art direction gets me back on the board. 6:56pm While presenting for Best Animated Film, Nathan Lane basically makes an audition tape for next year's Oscar hosting duties. Seriously, he's overselling every unfunny joke and making faces after each punchline. If he's willing to dress up in feathers, he's got the job. Shrek wins the award, proving that people love Ogres. That's why Nathan Lane gets work! Thanks! I'm here all week! Enjoy the veal! 7:00pm
Halle Berry comes out to give the sound Award. 7:25pm
- They just showed a shot of Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke, and
the room was sent into an electrical frenzy, each of us trying
to quickly get off the best joke about Uma's giant breasts. I
remember the following. 7:50pm
I'm holding onto a slim lead when they introduce the tribute
to Sidney Portier. Pretty much every time Dennis Haybert came
on the screen, someone shouted a different Cerano line from Major
League. The next couple hours are pretty much a blur of tributes and speeches. I was focused on the possibility of winning the pool. I figured that if my biggest gamble, Denzel Washington in Training Day, paid off, I could win it. My prediction of Denzel was based on only one thing: I really, really wanted to hear the orchestra have to play "Rock Superstar" when he walked up to the stage. That would be one of the best moments in the history of humankind. Violins screeching out guitar licks, those bells. Please, oh please. I also remember that during Sydney's speech, we spotted Robert Guillaume in his box seat area. This lead to a discussion about Benson, and whether the title character started out as the butler or Lt. Governor. No consensus was reached. 8:38pm Booyah! I just hit both screenplay categories. It's possible that I might not need any of the big four to win it. 9:10pm Halle Berry freaks the fuck out. I can't say anything funnier than the routine she does on the stage. Simply brilliant. Is she the first person from The Last Boy Scout to win an Academy Award? She keeps shouting "74 years!" We all hope that this becomes "the thing" to do. 74 years! This is for all the Swedes! I'd like to thank the Swedish Chef from the Muppets! 9:27pm
Denzel wins, but there is no sign of "Rock Superstar"
coming from the orchestra pit. What a let down. I mean, I'm
glad for him and it helps my pool standings, but I really wanted
to see that. 9:44pm It's over! Beautiful Mind wins best picture, and I win 7 bucks! 74 years! This is for all the film reviewers out there! I'd like to thank Leonard Maltin for paving the way! All in all, it was a fun show. It was very long, but they filled it with some genuinely entertaining moments. I'm very happy for A Beautiful Mind, and Denzel and Halle. I'm really glad that Whoopie Goldberg wasn't slinging Bruce Vilanch's lame-ass jokes every ten seconds. See you Thursday, when I'll turn in my
Geek card.
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