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To me, the only real race to talk about this year is for best actor. All other categories can't compare. Who's going to win? For that answer, I like to look no further than a little film called Virtuosity. The year was 1995. Milk was a quarter for a gallon, The Second Great War was tearing Europe apart, and in East Lansing, Michigan, a young boy named Ron was putting the finishing touches on an invention that would change to face of cliff diving forever. That glorious summer, I spent a week trying to get the taste of a bad buritto out of my mouth, and I happen to check out a film called Virtuosity. The film is set in 1999, and yes, it
is eerily prophetic. Much like what we just lived through, scientists
create an Artificial Intelligence program combining all the best
attributes of history's great killers and madmen. Why? 1) They
were bored, and the end of the year must have been coming up,
so they needed to spend all the grant money they got that year
to apply for a new one. 2) They were big fans of G.I. Joe, and
wanted to create someone like Serpentor, hoping he'd show up
on a wicked-cool snake sled. So they create Sid 6.7 (Crowe),
and plan to use him to train cops in Virtual Reality. They recruit
ex-cop and current jailbird Parker Barnes, played by Denzel Washington,
to test Sid out. Things go wrong when Sid kills one of the cops
in VR by overloading the computer or something. Sid then uses
some kind of blue goo technology to become real, and starts wreaking
havoc on downtown L.A by wearing a purple suit. The cops then
ask Barnes to bring Sid downtown to Chinatown. Russell Crowe -- A Beautiful Mind Okay, that's how things looks now. With a little tweaking, we get: Russell Crowe Sid 6.7 Boom! We eliminate two right off the
bat. It's now a two-man race. So we need to break it down further.
Let's go to the tale of the tape: Intelligence: Simply unfair. Crowe/Sid is computer based and has all the intelligence of a bunch of people, and Denzel/Parker is just a cop. No Contest. Sid is up 2-0. Appeal to Female Voters: Perhaps the hardest one to call. In the film, Parker lands Kelly Lynch fairly early, but Sid can seduce even the coldest of virtual sex-bots. In the real world, Denzel has been People's sexiest man a couple of times, but I don't think Crowe has. Parker gets on the board and trails 2-1. Appeal to Male Voters: Also a difficult one to call. I'm flipping a coin. Sid pulls ahead, 3-1. Who won in Virtuosity: In the end, Parker tricks Sid into thinking he's in the real world when he's really in the computer world, then Parker smashes Sid's chip. 3-2. Cooler song that I associate with the film: This one's easy. When I think of Denzel Washington, I think of that "Rock Superstar" tune that starts with the bells. It's pretty cool. When I think of Sid/Crowe, I think of "Stayin' Alive," by the Bee-Gees. No contest. All tied up 3-3. Tiebreaker: Ability to take a punch: When I think of Denzel, I think of Crimson Tide, and the scene where Gene Hackman smacks him in the mouth a couple of times, and Denzel barely flinches. When I think of Crowe, I think of Gladiator. He took quite a few shots in stride. Still tied 3-3. Sudden Death Double Overtime: Anagrams : For Russell Crowe I got "WE SURE SCROLL." Lame and a half. With Denzel Washington I got "NEW ZENITH SON GLAD." It's like a caveman's diary entry about the day he bought a TV for his kid: New Zenith... Son Glad. We have a winner. Denzel Washington comes from behind to win 4-3! I hope you folks either didn't put your Oscar picks in yet, or were smart enough to use crappy sci-fi films to make your other choices. Tuesday, I'll give you my account of
watching th Academy Awards from inside one of the most exclusive,
hardest to get into, A-list parties: The house of my friends,
Matt and Elise.
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