 |
|
When I saw Ice Age this past weekend, I was checking out the on screen entertainment things before the film, and I was reminded that Anthony Quinn died last year. My first thought was, of course, "really?" Then I realized that the on screen people had nothing to gain by lying to me, so I accepted it. I soon realized that Quinn will, without a doubt, be included in this year's Oscar Death March Clip Package. I soon got to wondering what clips they'd play for him, and then started wondering about the clips they'd use for current stars.
Vin Diesel The scene of him in The Fast and the Furious, where's he's standing in the center of a group of street racers and going on and on about how it's so great to go fast. The sound will be drowned out by sappy music, so future generations will probably have no idea what he's talking about, and may even think he was in a remake of West Side Story, but with more bald guys. Jean-Claude Van Damme That shot in Time Cop where J.-C.V.D. is in the kitchen, and the bad guy shoots a taser at him, and Van Damme jumps up on the kitchen and does the splits, causing the taser to miss and hit the floor, which is covered in water, so the taser actually kills the guy who fired it. Britney Spears In Crossroads, when she's in that club, butchering the song "I Love Rock and Roll." Our children will ask "Britney Spears the porn star?" We'll most likely smile and hand them a cookie, hoping to distract them. O.J. Simpson We've gotta be talking about a scene from one of The Naked Gun movies. Something where he's falling down. Guaranteed that it won't be a scene from Frogmen where he's slinking around with a knife. Let's hope O.J. kicks it soon, so we can have the pleasure of witnessing the first time ever that the audience boos someone on the Death March. Steven Seagal Too easy. Sidestepping a punch, grabbing the guy's arm, and busting the guy's elbow, facing the camera and giving that patented Seagal grimace. Carrot Top -
I'd imagine there's a scene in Chairman of the Board where
he's grinning like an idiot, maybe wearing a weird hat or something.
I don't know, I haven't seen it. Tom Cruise He'll probably have a long package of a lot of different works, but I promise there will be at least one clip of him going through his stock routine of A)Punching something in front of him, B) making a funny face, and C) screaming out his next line. The best example of this is in Days of Thunder, where he actually hits a pool table with a bat before screaming at Rowdy Burns (Michael Rooker) for not getting a CAT scan after an accident. Al Pacino I don't know what clips they'll use, but he'll be yelling in most of them. Drew Barrymore I'm not interested in the WHAT so much as I am the how. What I hope is that there will be a progression. It should start with her in E.T., loveable and cute, holding a stuffed animal, and it should end with her half naked, licking a car's steering wheel in Charlie's Angels. Jim Carey Although they'll probably use something from The Truman Show or The Majestic, I'd hope they'd pull that scene from Dumb and Dumber when he's fantasizing about his date with Lauren Holly, and the Chef comes out of the back and busts a Karate move, and Jim goes nuts, throwing his arms around his head and bouncing off each side of the frame. That kills me. Jack Palance A storied career will be boiled down to a five second shot of him doing pushups at the Academy Awards the year he won Best Supporting Actor for City Slickers. People who know nothing of him will remember him for one moment when he was so happy that he acted like a jackass. Cuba Gooding Jr. See above.
Tomorrow, I'll give you exactly what
you want: I will announce, with scientific certainty, who will
win Best Actor.
Talk about this in the Forums. Go on, I dare you. |
Past Columns: |