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It's Academy Awards week here at Cinemaspeak, and it's also NCAA tourney week, so I've decided to combine my love for the Oscars with my other love, betting. Here are Ian's Vegas lines on the 74TH Annual Academy Awards Telecast: EVEN: Traffic will be so God-Awful around the new Kodak Theater at Hollywood and Highland that I won't be able to leave my street, which is over a mile from the theater. All cars will stop, never to move again. People will jump out like those in that R.E.M. video, and it will be chaos in the streets. A smart person would rent out bicycles for the day. Seriously, you could charge ANYTHING, and people would pay it. Okay, I've got to reel it in here. I've already made one R.E.M. reference, and that was only the first entry. 4-1: A winner will thank his/her parents, and mention that they bought him/her a camera when he/she was eight years old. At eight years old, my parents bought me a chemistry set, and all I would do was make water into slightly murkier water, which I could also do with a sugar packet. The chemistry set was soon replaced by an Intellivision video game system, and the prophecies didn't seem quite so silly to my parents anymore. Why bring this up? No idea. 6-2: The set will feature an American Flag, everyone will have red, white and blue ribbons, and there will be at least one person who will have so many ribbons on their body that they look like a Winston Cup race car. Goody's Headache Powder and Home Depot will compete to have their ribbons on Russell Crowe. 3-1: FOX will somehow find a way to sneak an ad for That 70's Show onto the telecast somehow, even though it's on a different network. Seriously, will this show EVER go away? Stop the madness, FOX! 2-3: If Sean Penn wins Best Actor for I Am Sam, I will immediately 1) Break my TV. 2) Rant and Rave like a lunatic to random people on the street, 3) Write a new screenplay called Stupid Fun with the Funny, Stupid Retards Who Fall Down, Oh Boy! 4) Get Vin Diesel to star as the main character. 5) Congratulate Vin on his well-deserved Oscar win next year. 1-10,000: That this will not be the last Vin Diesel joke I make this awards season. If his next film, xXx, does well, I'll have material for another year or two. 5-7: Viewers wish that host Whoopie Goldberg would be replaced with less annoying extra loud, super-sensitive car alarm or yelping Chihuahua 2-1: Someone will make a joke about how long the show will run, but will NOT make a joke about how this joke is actually making the show even longer. 2-1: Upon winning an award, a filmmaker will mention how hard it was for their film to be made, and would like to thank so-and-so for believing in the project and their "vision," even if so-and-so is their father, the head of Paramount, and the film is actually based on their life story. 10-1: A famous person will show his or her age by slipping on a pair of reading glasses to read their acceptance speech. I will show my maturity by laughing at them. 4-1: Someone in every single living room in the world where an Oscar party is being held will say "Wow, they're getting right into it," when the best supporting awards are given away at the beginning of the telecast, despite the fact that they've been doing this for years. 2-3: That same person will say "Who won last year?" every time a major award is given. EVEN: There will be one clip in the Oscar Death March clip package that makes everyone react by saying "Really?!" It will finally sink in how much more the world will suck without some people in it. Last year it was Matthau, this year we lost Lemmon. Seriously, wow. 5-1: You will wonder when the last time a movie you actually liked won Best Picture. You will then think back to Titanic, then realize that you didn't like it. No one did. 2-1: E! Entertainment Television will feature Jules Asner and Steve Kmetko live on the red carpet. Steve will prove his sexual preference by not being distracted by the splendor that is Jules. Damn, Jules. Just... damn. Steve will also continue to mispronounce the word "entertainment." Shouldn't it be a requirement that your flagship anchor be able to pronounce the word that your network is named after? What if Larry King called CNN the sea-bell news network? See you back here Thursday for a look at how The Academy might handle future Oscar Death Marches.
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