GAMES PEOPLE PLAY Rating: (out of 5 stars) Director: James Ronald Whitney Producer: Margaret Bastick Director of Photography: Neil Stephens Cast: Joshua Coleman, Dani Marco, David Maynard, Scott Ryan, Sarah Smith, Elisha Wilson Visit the IMDB page for full cast and crew.

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Review by: Dan Tester
3/24/04

As CinemaSpeak.com winds its curly tail up under its ass into unfortunate oblivion, I find myself writing my final review, and it is an appropriate one at that. All the way back in 2002, my very first review for this site was of a movie called Showtime, a hideous wreck that fancied itself a parody of television reality shows, but failed miserably in the fact that it simply became a standard Hollywood schlock-fest, completely abandoning its satirical target. And now, as I wrap up, I find myself reviewing an actual "cinematic" reality show. This is what it has come to. Yes, Games People Play is nothing more than a 90-minute "movie" taking all of the worst aspects of this televised soul-selling "reality" and simply unscrambling the penises and tits. And vaginas. You want to see a penis or a vagina? How about a tit? Then God help you, here is your reality movie on the big screen!!!

I am fully aware that a reality "movie" has been tried before with The Real Cancun last year, but it was a dismal box-office failure. I was shocked. I would have bet a million damn dollars that The Real Cancun would have been a "The Christ" kind of smash hit on the big screen, because, come on, The Real Cancun is already a smash hit week in and week out on the small screen. It seems that the more "elite" movie going public finds witnessing a Jewish savior being tortured to death for 2 hours more palatable than drunken 18-year-olds exposing their breasts (God help me if I ever have a daughter). Maybe the fans of these "reality" shows truly are so dense that they really can't negotiate their car out of their parking space, and thus must crouch on their couch and solely rely on the "little" screen to supply their bullshit as they munch popcorn and get all riled up about a gay fella rubbing his penis up against a hideous small breasted woman from Wisconsin as they try to negotiate logs in water. Or a nunchuk who chooses her lifemate after eight weekly installments of compatability. Or which bikini-clad twat eats more rat feces than the other. Or which guy is gay, and which is straight, or which paraplegic is faking, or which lesbian is Canadian, or whatever. Either way, The Real Cancun failed, and I considered it a significant victory for those of my kind. The movies would not be tainted. But alas, the madness continues. If a show like "Joe Millionaire" (featuring a bonafide retard with bushy eyebrows and a "secret") didn't end this shit, what the hell will? Not even midgets trying to get laid, my friend. Not even midgets trying to get laid.

Games People Play is a "reality" movie about a bunch of knuckleheads who whore their souls for $10,000. That is it, really. Only $10,000? Was this movie made in 1980? Even Regis has upped the ante to $10 million for God sakes, and he does a trivia show. The filmmaker makes the point at the beginning of the film that he only has $10,000 to offer, but then the crowds show up to try to win it, and I kind of understood why the terrorists hate us. These are horrible people. Well, I take that back, they aren't horrible people. They are aspiring actors and actresses with a chance to degrade themselves on camera. There is a difference. And the first unbearable 20 minutes or so of Games People Play demonstrates how desperate and pathetic humanity can be, as hundreds of these people "audition" for roles in the "film," which mostly involves being naked on a stage and acting goofy. Wow, I was so titillated and shocked I could barely move. What a groundbreaker this is.

After these "ever so naughty" tryouts, Games People Play is basically a bunch of "hidden camera vignettes" in which the contestants have to dupe the unknowing public into submission to gain "points" to win the aforementioned $10,000. There are two good-looking teams (3 men, 3 women) and each group gets different assignments. One involves the men cruising the streets of New York asking pedestrians for urine samples, while the women cruise lavatories striking up unusual conversations with unsuspecting defecators in the next stall. Sound funny? Jaime Kennedy is way funnier. Another series of hilarity involves the males and females together propositioning guys on the street to join them in their hotel room for a "naked trio," and the "naked trio" turns out to be a naked singing group. Not a Menage a trois. You see, the guys on the street think they are getting a three-way, but then they...oh never mind. It's all just surprisingly unamusing.

I will admit that the third series of gags was the most interesting to me. One was actually pretty funny, while the other was just disturbing. The funny sequence involves the girls who are supposed to order a pizza, answer the door in a towel, drop the towel in front of the surprised deliveryman, and then talk him into a nude massage on the sofa for his "tip." This was funny only for the hilarious responses from the deliverymen (most of whom strip nude and prepare for their extra special gratuity, as a guy posing as a jealous boyfriend appears from the other room and scares the crap out of Pedro. I only say Pedro because most of the delivery guys did not speak English, which kind of detracted from the overall bit as they never quite understand what is going on, but it made it a hell of a lot funnier to me!!) In juxtaposition to this sequence, the "guy's challenge" is to pose as actors casting a female role for a love scene and to get the unknowing actresses to strip fully nude and simulate sex. I guess it was just disturbing to me how far these aspiring actresses will actually go to get a part. Hey, it was kinda funny I guess, but just kinda sad too. Did I mention I should never have a daughter?

There is an attempt (an attempt) to justify this all by inserting "parody" scenes in which the participants "act" like TV reality show contestants in testimonials who hang their hearts on their sleeves and cry on camera about their screwed up lives (complete with a Dr. Laura look-a-like shrink who provides support) but come on...this is like "The Facts of Life" having a "very special episode" about the chubby Natalie being the first to lose her virginity. It is a red herring in a sea of bullshit. I only mention this to make sure the filmmaker knows "I got it."

I can't recommend Games People Play because it goes against every fiber of my being. Was it really as horrible and offensive as I have made it out to be? No, probably not. If you loved "The Bachelorette" don't miss it, don't even be late. But any mass entertainment under the false heading of "reality" in our society has become evil to me, and it must be stopped, no matter how.

But, as always, remember to vote for John Kerry in November.

(An Artistic License release. Opened in New York on March 12 and Los Angles on March 19, 2004. Expands to more cities at later dates.)