Rating: ZERO STARS
Director: Mark Wilkinson
Producer: Mark Wilkinson
Writer: Mark Wilkinson
Director of Photography: Ernst Kubitza
Cast: Annunziata Gianzero, Thomas Jay Ryan, Andrew Borba, Dick Bakalyan
Visit the IMDB page for full cast and crew.
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DISCHORD Rating: ZERO STARS Director: Mark Wilkinson Producer: Mark Wilkinson Writer: Mark Wilkinson Director of Photography: Ernst Kubitza Cast: Annunziata Gianzero, Thomas Jay Ryan, Andrew Borba, Dick Bakalyan Visit the IMDB page for full cast and crew. |
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Review by: Dan
Tester
2/24/03
"Why, for fuck's cunting sake, has God inflicted you upon me like some mirror that reflects only failure????"
This is the line, late in the new film Dischord, that finally allowed me to react appropriately to the mess that had been unfolding before my eyes -- I guffawed with weary pleasure. My laughter was weary only in the fact that I had held it back for so long, stubbornly enduring a terrible screenplay and godawful film with attempted respect. But I can only be asked so much. This line is only the capper of a cacophony of contrivance and clichés that would drive even the most open-minded film viewer screaming for the well-lit exit doors. And keep in mind, this line is spoken in one of the film's many attempted "dramatic" moments. That is a sad situation in a film I would describe as "the first laugh out loud comedy of 2003."
Dischord tells a stunningly boring and standard "mystery" tale; had I been up too late one night watching Cinemax it would have made perfect sense. It is really that bad (and sadly lacking the input of Andrew Stevens to boot). A violin virtuoso superstar named Gypsy (Annunziata Gianzero), married to a egomaniacal John Tesh New Age type musician Lucian (Andrew Borba), chucks her career so not to overshadow that of her husband's. The couple retreat to a secluded section of Cape Cod where Lucien can compose new music, Gypsy can get away from the spotlight, and they can both be caught up in the specter of (in my best Alfred Hitchcock voice) murrrrrder. The murrrrrder aspect comes in the form of Lucien's "wacky" brother Jimmy (Thomas Jay Ryan), who has just murdered his girlfriend for no apparent reason, other than he is "wacky," and pays his brother a visit on the chilly coast.
There are of course also a series of murders occurring in the area, which attracts the attention of "retired" police detective Dunbarton (Dick Bakalyan) who just can't seem to adjust to retirement and misses the thrill of the job. When he reads that day's murderous headlines, he decides to get involved. Sound familiar? I certainly hope so. But of course, during his investigation, Detective Dunbarton comes up against the most sure-fire, dependable cliché in the history of murder mystery films. The police are reluctant to help with his investigation because "it's an election year." Those damn election years; they never allow true-hearted detectives to get to the bottom of something easily. The poor dicks are always forced to take a circuitous route in their search, but always fortunately end up right outside the killer's window just as he is about to kill the star of the movie.
Thus we end up with an utterly worthless movie, plodding along like Dom DeLuise after a four-hour gorging at Shakey's, resulting in one of those stupid endings that makes you want to burn down the theater.
The performances are all pretty awful. Only Annunziata Gianzero shows any kind of spark that appears capable of rising above this abominable material. Andrew Borba is amateurishly useless as the over-the-top New Age musician husband, and Thomas Jay Ryan's "wacky" brother is so hilarious that at times I wondered if director Mark Wilkinson had occasionally turned over his duties to Mel Brooks. Dick Bakalyan (as the "retired" cop) is okay here I guess, but I sensed he was far more capable than this film allowed. He has been around for a while, one of those guys you recognize but can't place, and certainly this movie won't help his Q rating in that respect. He actually appeared in a number of Jerry Lewis vehicles in the 60s, and I wonder if he signed on here because he was longing for the good old days. Oh yeah, there's also a "magical" old beachcomber who appears once in a while to wax philosophic, and then disappears back into the foggy air. How could I forget??
Mark Wilkinson wrote, produced and directed Dischord (a hat trick from hell, to borrow from Richard Lewis) and shows absolutely no ability or interest in achieving any kind of quality here. Apparently Dischord is getting a theatrical release, but based on what I saw I can only imagine that Wilkinson actually envisioned the glory of the aforementioned Cinemax as his only possible destiny. At least on cable the viewers are paying a lump sum for hours and hours of lame entertainment, not nine bucks of their hard-earned money for a nap.
I would suggest Dischord be used ONLY as a tutorial in film classes across this great land, as a definitive document of what NOT to do in a mystery movie; it conveniently covers all the bases. Some sort of film renaissance is going to be necessary very soon, or we will surely all perish from this West Coast into an ocean of recycled flames. Thus, I propose upon graduation from film school, before any diplomas are handed out, a treaty must be signed by each prospective graduate. It will be a promise from all new young filmmakers to not slum in their job, to not make the same movie over and over and over and over and over and over and over, and to actually cherish in wonder the beauty of filmmaking. Make something worthwhile, original, and truly worthy of the time of innocent bystanders like myself who quite innocently have stumbled off of the curb directly in front of your cinematic headlights.
For fuck's cunting sake!!!
But as always, it is only one man's opinion.
(An Artistic License release. Opens in New York and Los Angeles on February 28, 2003.)
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