3/10/2007
In an unprecedented scientific experiment,
we here at CINEMASPEAK.COM are proud to announce that CINEMASPEAK.COM
is, today, launching an innovative and futuristic feature to
the blogosphere. With the combined participation of the FCC,
NASA, the NAACP, the ASPCA, TCBY Yogurt, and the YMCA, and most
importantly in participation with world-famous "chatting
with dead celebrities" psychic Sylvia Browne, CINEMASPEAK.COM
is introducing a series of blogs from deceased celebrities, to
try to get a feeling of the afterlife in four key categories:
their thoughts, their experiences, their opinions, and their
thoughts.
On this day, CINEMASPEAK.COM is proud to introduce Part One of,
hopefully, a long list of deceased celebrities contributing their
thoughts, experiences, opinions, and thoughts of cinema excellence,
from the aspect of a deceased dead person. As a side note, we
cannot predict, or direct, what the dead celebrities will discuss.
Due to the great expense of this process, editing would not even
be a possible, but we can only hope that the dead celebrities
will follow the stated topical guidelines of the webmaster, as
would a loyal "living" contributor to the site. We
can only hope...and do hope...that they will only discuss movies.
But they may not.
First, the legal matters:
LEGAL NOTICES: CINEMASPEAK.COM is not responsible for any of
the content provided by dead celebrities. CINEMASPEAK.COM cannot,
and will not, be held liable for any asinine or shameful displays
of cinema ignorance proffered by dead celebrities (please see
the "KIM JUSTICE RULE" in the official Cinemaspeak
handbook for the full details).
And now, without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen...CINEMASPEAK.COM,
the FCC, NASA, the NAACP, the ASPCA, TCBY Yogurt, and the YMCA....are
proud to present to you...dead from the Great Beyond....Old Ski
Nose himself...the one...the only...the Mister.....BOB HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!....
<click> <click> buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........
Hello, Hollywood phonies. This is
Bob "From The Great Beyond" Hope. Even though I'm just
a rotting corpse, I still watch FOX NEWS for all the headlines,
so I am up to date. Isn't that sumthin', boy?
Hey, how about that James Cameron? Isn't he sumthin'? First he
sank an indestructible ship, and now he is taking on Christianity.
Isn't that wild? Ooh Boy, I gotta tell ya. That's wild. Jesus'
Lost Tomb? This whole thing reminds me of that movie THE LAST
TEMPTATION OF CHRIST from a few years back. Did you see that
one? That was really sumthin'. That Mary Magdelene was sure sumthin'.
Rawwwwwrrrhhhh. I gotta tell ya, you gotta hand it to Jesus.
At my age, I don't even think about sex when I'm havin' a good
day, let alone bein' crucified. But that James Cameron documentary
sure caused a stir. I'll tell ya, boy, I haven't seen the news
channels so focused on false prophets since that whole Enron
thing.
Hey, how about that Enron, wasn't that sumthin'? Zsa Zsa Gabor
told me that one day there was a rolling blackout in her neighborhood
and she called the fuzz, but luckily it was just Nipsey Russell
trippin' over her front hedge and fallin' down a hill. I gotta
tell ya, that was pretty wild. That Nipsey was a genius, boy.
He could rhyme anything.
But to get serious here for a moment, buy War Bonds.
So how about that Ann Coulter? She sure has a mouth on her, boy.
I haven't heard such vile language coming out of a chick's mouth
since my wife Dolores caught me bangin' Dorothy Lamour on the
set of "Road To Zanzibar." Boy, that was sure sumthin'
wasn't it?
But for an anorexic dyke, Ann Coulter sure does like to spout
out the hatred, boy. Hey, I know John Edwards is married to a
chubby gal, but that don't mean he is gay, boy. I know lots of
chubby chasers who are straight. It's wild. I gotta tell ya though,
one time, in 1972, I called Charles Nelson Reilly a faggot, but
he just smiled and made that 'Younggg Younggg Younggg" sound
while tuggin' at his collar. Times have sure changed, boy. I
gotta tell ya, there was nuthin' wrong with it back then. It
was just havin' fun. Isn't that wild? Right heeeeyaaaaa!!!
Hey, how about that President Bush? Isn't he wild? I haven't
seen a President this smart since Corky ran for President of
his high school on "Life Goes On." That was sure sumthin'.
And Cheney too, nutty, nutty stuff. You know what they say about
Cheney. "He's a heartbeat away...from a heartbeat."
Now they say he has a blood clot in his leg. I have a feeling
Scooter Libby was just told to report that to the press so those
boys can get Rudy Giuliani on the ticket but fast, boy. I gotta
tell ya, that's sumthin', boy. But that White House, that's really
sumthin', isn't it? I always said that if you have a Dick and
a Bush too close together for too long, somethin' is gonna get
fucked. I had just never realized until the 2000 election how
much the United States looks like a big, deformed vagina when
you turn your atlas sideways. Right heeeeyaaaaa!!!
Hey boy, I was just told that I am supposed to
recommend a movie to you all. I would go with CLERKS 2, by a
nice fella called Kevin Smith. I gotta tell ya, it is a great
movie. There's some good stuff in that movie, boy. But there's
a scene where a man has sex with a donkey. Back in my day, there
was nuthin' wrong with that. It was just havin' fun, boy. But
a lot of people up here in the Great Beyond were offended. I
hear that movie critic Joel Siegel was offended. Joel Siegel?
Does anyone pay attention to what this mustachioed nut has to
say about anything, anyway? I gotta tell ya, that would be pretty
wild if it were true. I also saw another movie recently. It was
called BACHELOR PARTY. That was some wild stuff, boy. It starred
Hollywood's Tom Hanks, and also featured a scene with suggested
bestiality. I think the director of CLERKS 2 was just making
a point, boy. Bestiality is bestiality. Suggested or depicted,
it is just deplorable. But Hollywood's Tom Hanks got off scott
free. I gotta tell ya, people love that Tom Hanks, boy. But CLERKS
2 caused a douche like Joel Siegel to go running and screaming
from the theater, boy. At least I think that was Joel Siegel.
It might have been Gene Shalit. My eyesight is goin', boy. I
can always make out a mustache though. On a side note, up here
in the Great Beyond, the only movie review show on TV features
Joel Siegel and Byron Allen discussing the movies of the day.
I might be in Hell, boy. Kids, I gotta tell ya, don't do drugs.
Well, I think it's about time for
me to travel back to the Great Beyond, boy. Anna Nicole Smith
just recently arrived up here, and she sure is gettin' down to
business quick. Let's just say her trousers are nothing more
than ankle warmers. Ooooooooohweeeeeeee! She likes old, wrinkled
millionaires, boy. And up here in the Great Beyond, I only have
five criteria for the trash I will schtupa: dumb, blonde, drugged
up, big-tittied and dead. Should be a fun Lent! Rawwwwwwwr.
Well, this is Bob "Gettin' Me Some Tush" Hope sayin'
"Be Good To Your Family, They've Been Good To You!"
Right heeeeyaaaaa!!!
<click> <click> buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........
CINEMASPEAK.COM thanks you for participating in this groundbreaking
experiment. And now, a few critical reviews...
"If you only read one blog all year, read Tester!"
Larry King, CNN
"If blogging was an art form, Tester would be considered
an artist among the likes of Da Vinci, Goya, Picasso, and that
really angry guy that just threw paint brushes at a canvas!"
Deborah Norville, INSIDE EDITION
"Cheese Nips are good, but if you add your own extra cheese
to 'em, I like 'em even more!" President George W. Bush,
THE CRAWFORD TIMES
"I love Dan Tester. He will make a fine 3rd Husband!"
Titty McJesusFreak, HARPO PRODUCTIONS
"I am a douche, and I thank Mr. Tester for pointing that
out. This is surely the feel good blog of the year." Joel
Siegel, WHOEVER WILL PAY MY MUSTACHE
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