For this month's top ten, we decided to be a bit sexist and talk about the hottest (i.e. sexiest) female performances of all time. Don't worry women, next month we'll present our lists of the hottest guys. Not!
Talk about your favorite sexy female performances
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Writing a list such as this seemed easy enough at first, but then I realized it was kind of tough. It was not so tough to think of candidates, but tough in that it is kind of abstract, and I didn't want to leave any out. I mean, "sexy" is a very subjective word. I find Diane Lane to be very sexy (hell, I even thought she was sexy in The Perfect Storm) but none of her performances seemed to make it onto my Top Ten List. But this is just a list for fun anyway. So unscrew your Vaseline bottles, here are the top ten sexiest female performances of all time!!!!!!
1) Jane Fonda in Barbarella (1968/ Roger Vadim): Just the opening credits are enough to qualify Jane as my top sexiest female performance ever, but the rest ain't bad either. Barbarella is a pretty dumb movie, but one that I can watch without the volume even on, due to Ms. Fonda and her…talents. I wonder if Ted Turner ever does the same?
2) Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982/ Amy Heckerling): Just leave poor Judge Reinhold alone. I mean, who of us can honestly say we wouldn't have been doing the exact same thing?
3) Claudia Cardinale in Once Upon a Time in the West (1968/Sergio Leone): Just leave poor Henry Fonda alone. I mean, who of us can honestly say we wouldn't have been doing the exact same…oh wait, inappropriate. But she is so sexy in this movie.
4) Heather Graham in Boogie Nights (1998/Paul Thomas Anderson): Take a gorgeous blonde, make her a nympho, toss in some roller skates, and you have yourself a winner.
5) Susan George in Straw Dogs (1971/Sam Peckinpah): Just leave those inbred English laborers alone. I mean, who of us can honestly say we wouldn't have been doing the exact same…okay, this is getting bad. But George just oozes sexuality in this movie. And she is so damn cute to boot.
6) Kelly Preston in Mischief (1985/Mel Damski): Va Va Va Voomski.
7) Michelle Johnson in Blame it on Rio (1984/Stanley Donen): To this day, I still hate and envy Michael Caine.
8) Ursula Andress in What's New Pussycat (1965/Clive Donner): She was hot. Yes, yes she was. Very, very, very, very hot.
9) Barbara Bach in The Spy Who Loved Me (1977/Lewis Gilbert): She is the hottest Bond girl ever.
10) Monica Bellucci in Under Suspicion
(2000/Stephen Hopkins): She is
a supporting character and all, but her first appearance in this
film, as she changes clothing in another room and we are allowed
to be voyeurs and peek in, which actually made me exclaim out
loud "Holy Crap!! Who the hell is that???" She is probably
the sexiest woman in films today (although Angelina Jolie could
currently probably give her a run for her money.)
Posh Spice (who I'd like to bend like Beckham, by the way) just missed making the list for her magnificent work in Spiceworld, and to her, I apologize. Now, on to the goods:
1) Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982/Amy Heckerling): Total no-brainer, and even though I probably wouldn't even consider this her sexiest role (that would probably be Paradise), I can't imagine writing a list that ranks the hottest actresses and leaving her out of the #1 position. I also can't imagine writing a top ten list and including Paradise on it.
2) Sherilyn Fenn in Two Moon Junction (1988/Zalman King): The single greatest R-rated "sex" flick ever made, and even though I think that Fenn is way hotter as a brunette, I can't deny that she does what she does best as a blonde (especially in the shower scene and in the bathroom scene and in the final scene, etc.).
3) Lena Olin in The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988/Philip Kaufman): I don't remember much about this bore, but I do remember a scene with Olin and a mirror.
4) Sean Young in Blade Runner (1982/Ridley Scott): Rachel is really only sexy towards the end (when she let's her hair down), but it's enough. I've always had a thing for Young (since I first saw her in Stripes) and in the final scenes of Blade Runner, she's the hottest she's ever been.
5) Salma Hayek in Desperado (1995/Robert Rodriguez): The first time I saw this fun shoot 'em up, I was in love. The second, third and fourth time, I was madly in love.
6) Catherine Zeta-Jones in The Mask of Zorro (1998/Martin Campbell): Zeta-Jones may have been a bit sexier in Entrapment, but somehow, I feel better about giving her props for Zorro, as it was a bit more accomplished (but just a bit). I loved her in this and I loved her ever since.
7) Monica Bellucci in Malena (2000/Giuseppe Tornatore): Seen this Italian flick yet? If not, rent it. Bellucci is simply stunning in it.
8) Kate Winslet in Holy Smoke (1999/Jane Campion): Holy shit this flick was awful, but Kate was as hot as can be. Loved the scene with Kate and Keitel in the desert. (You know, the one that involves a red dress and urination. Curious?)
9) Jennifer Tilly in Bound (1996/The Wachowski Bros.): I'd argue (and I'm sure a lot of people would take this argument up), that Tilly is one of the five sexiest women alive. She's never been hotter than in her scenes with the equally sexy Gina Gershon. (Well, she was pretty hot in the remake of The Getaway). Plus, it's a great little crime thriller to boot. (From the boys that brought you the Matrix flicks).
10) Ornella Muti (Ming's Daughter)
in Flash Gordon (1980/Mike Hodges): Ming
must have some good genes (under that robe, ha!), because his
daughter is a hottie.
(***NOTE -- This list is in no particular order.)
Simonetta Stefanelli in The Godfather (1972/Francis Ford Coppola): She played Apollonia, Michael Corleone's first wife in Sicily. She may have only had ten minutes of screen time, but those are some of the best damn minutes of my life. I wish Talia Shire had been in the car that exploded instead of her.
Bo Derek in 10 (1979/Blake Edwards): I once sat two seats away from Bo Derek at a boxing match back in 1986. I watched her more than the fight. She's easily the sexiest woman I have ever seen up close and in person. And unfortunately, because of a big misunderstanding with her home security system and the Beverly Hills Police Department, a few pesky court orders make it crystal clear that I won't be seeing her up close again. So I'll just watch "certain parts" of 10 -- if you know what I mean?
Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982/Amy Heckerling): Although my CinemaSpeak cohort, Warren Curry, might argue that Cates wasn't even the sexiest girl in the film (Jennifer Jason Leigh), I'll venture to say that every male from the age of 25 - 40 knows exactly what scene got Phoebe on this list.
Jessica Lange in The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981/Bob Rafelson): There are many puns and play on words that I could use right now, but I won't. From the early to mid eighties, no one was sexier in Hollywood than Lange.
Catherine Zeta Jones in The Mask of Zorro (1998/Martin Campbell): The movie was horrible, but something about the accent and her style won me over. Come to think of it… Antonio Banderas was pretty damn sexy too.
Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn (1996/Robert Rodriguez): She looked good…really, really good.
J-Lo in U-Turn (1997/Oliver Stone): This movie is as bad as it gets, but there is a valid reason why I own it on DVD and it ain't because of the content. Let's just say that I've gotten a lot of mileage out of this film. Wink, wink.
Sophia Loren in El Cid (1961/Anthony Mann): I haven't seen many of her films, but not only was she unbelievably enjoyable to look at, but she could act too.
Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep (1977/Peter Yates): What happens when you have Jacqueline Bisset covered in water most of the movie? She makes my top ten list, that's what happens.
Jessica Tandy in Driving Ms. Daisy
(1989/Bruce Beresford): Morgan
Freeman is not the only one who wanted to "drive Ms. Daisy."
This is for all the people out there that like older women. Come
on, you know you've fantasized about her once or twice. I know
I'm not the only one.
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